Hello? It’s me. (Thank you, Lionel & Adele.) Oh my goodness. The last 8 months have…well…been full. Here is a snapshot from today…this might explain some of what I’ve been up to.
Morning sickness killed July/August…getting into the routine of Kindergarten & school life kicked us in the rear the next couple months…then just trying to keep up with the routine of work/school/life…something had to “fall off the beam”. Blog? No. I can’t even compute that right now.
But, I’ve been mulling over some things & needed an outlet to express them. So. Hello. It’s me. Typing away in my minuscule corner of the world wide web…
This pregnancy has not been easy. Yes, I’m in better shape than I was with Zane & Alice. Yes, once the all.day.morning.sickness started to subside…I felt pretty good. Tired, but good. So it hasn’t been so much the physical, as the mental. The mental…
Two healthy, amazing kids…then two heart-breaking miscarriages. When I did get pregnant again, I wasn’t expecting it. I had put that part of my heart up on the shelf. But, there I was. Staring at the test. Not wanting to tell anyone. Mad. Yep, mad, because I didn’t want to go through another miscarriage. I was tired. I had “given it to God” & was ready to embrace the season we were in. The season of healing, & of living in the moment.
Here’s the deal – getting pregnant after a miscarriage is scary. Getting pregnant after multiple miscarriages is scary. It’s hard on your heart. I had a hard time connecting with this sweet baby, because I didn’t want it to hurt as bad if the Lord decided to take him/her away. And then. Then I felt guilty. Guilty, because I had sweet friends who were praying, yearning, for a baby. Yearning to get pregnant. And I felt ungrateful. I was scared.
I’m going to be seriously transparent with you & say…I still am. I’m 38 weeks pregnant & I’m still struggling with anxiety. I’ve had a hard time preparing for this sweet one because “what if?”…”Lord, what if you take this one away, too? What if something goes wrong?” It’s a daily battle. BATTLE.
“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” – Dueteronomy 31:8
Let’s be real. We can all “put on the happy face” & act like “we got this”. But sometimes. Sometimes life sucks. Life is hard. If you are in the waiting, or going through the valley, or scared, or are just having to deal with the crap of life…You are NOT alone. I think that is what the Lord has been teaching me the most through this. We all have “something”. We can go to our shiny churches, chat with our shiny friends, recite the shiny verses from our shiny Bibles, fill our minute, feeble brains with all the shiny knowledge we can…and try to keep control & keep our lives as shiny as possible…BUT. Life is messy. Life is dirty. We need each other. We need the REAL each other. Not the shiny versions with all the right answers. It took me a long time to be ready to talk about the miscarriages…& it is still scary to lay it all out & say I’m still anxious. (Because that’s not shiny.) And, I don’t think that will ever completely go away.
Please know, you’re not alone. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to ask questions. He created us with emotions. He created us to feel. It’s what we do with those emotions & feelings that matter. Those emotions and feelings need listened to, & then they need Truth spoken over them. Truth of Who He Is. Truth of Who He Will Be. Truth of what He promises. He’s not just a God you study, & get a shiny degree on. He’s a God who cares so deeply for you that He sent His only Son to die the most gruesome death for you, to pay the highest price for you, but who didn’t stop there. He rose again. He’s a LIVING God. He’s THE LIVING GOD. He’s THE LIVING GOD who LOVES you so much that He will stop at nothing to make sure that Life with Him is available to you! We are His Sons & Daughters.
So even when you or I feel alone, feel scared, feel anxious, feel betrayed, feel mad, feel broken. Truth trumps all. It’s good to feel. But, let’s make sure we cover those feelings in Truth. Because “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12).
Someone in authority said something to me after our first miscarriage that made me mad. He was trying to be comforting but it came out as, “Well, maybe God is making you go through this so you can help others.” I get what he was trying to say. But, I don’t believe God orchestrates evil things to happen to us. We are not tools in His tool shed or chess pieces on His chess board. Remember, we are His sons & daughters. Wouldn’t it break your heart to see your son or daughter broken? Aren’t we created in His image? Then I know He feels our brokenness. And I KNOW He will redeem the brokenness if we let Him. He spoke through Joseph in Genesis, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” (Genesis 50:20). He sees. He will redeem. ❤